Edward's Catch
by iamsupergirl2
Summary: Let's test out Edward's fish–hunting abilities, shall we? . . . [Please read "Seafood?" first! . . . Fanon, Post–Volturi (BD), One–Shot]


**AN: **A short and hopefully funny spin–off! If you haven't already read the prequel to this, **Seafood?**, then go read it, and if you're interested enough, we'll see here if Edward's capable of hunting seafood. Then again, Edward is good at everything . . . right?

* * *

**Six Months Later **– **January  
****Bella's POV**

"Bella, _please_ don't make me do this."

I tried to keep a straight face, but I was unable to stop my shoulders from shaking. Edward was seldom panicked, usually on the occasions that I'd been in constant danger as a human, but this was a completely different kind of "panicked".

I supposed I should have been feeling sorry for him, but we'd had a deal. And it wasn't anything serious either. His little escapade would earn a few chuckles out of us, and it was high time we had some laughter in this place.

It had been less than a month since the Volturi had left us in peace. All the gracious vampires, who had been willing to play witnesses to Renesmee's innocence and harmlessness, had gradually returned to their own covens with promises that we would meet again. Despite the circumstances, Carlisle had been eager to connect with his old friends and establish new friendships with other vampires.

For now, I was totally content that it was just us.

And, of course, our extended families: the werewolves.

I still didn't know when I would get used to Jacob's freaky werewolf bond with my _daughter_, but I was learning to at least _deal_ with the strangeness. After all, I was a pro at weird.

And despite the awkwardness, I couldn't help but feel relieved.

No matter what Jacob's feelings had been towards me, he had been my best friend through the ups and the downs. When I'd been human, I'd always considered him family because he had been an essential part of _me_. After the imprinting, all his bonds with me and others had broken only to connect with Renesmee. Obviously, his feelings of love towards me had instantly vanished at me which made me absolutely happy that we could continue to be ourselves around each other and be back to _normal_.

Even before my transformation, Jacob had informed me that we could never be friends again since I would no longer be Bella. I would be the _enemy_. His imprinting on my daughter had prevented that as well.

Edward appeared in front of me, startling me out of my thoughts. His eyes were wide and begging and possibly even dazzling had I not been keeping my gaze safely averted from his.

I shook my head firmly, still smiling hugely. "We had a bet, Edward." I reminded him. "I won fair and square. And you lost _miserably_. It's time to pay up."

"Why _this_?" Edward begged. "Anything but this."

I raised an eyebrow. "Are you chickening out? You agreed to my terms before we made the bet, Edward. And now you're supposed to fulfill them."

"Yes, but . . ." Edward said desperately.

"Edward, just do it," I encouraged. "It's really not that bad if you think about it. And I'm asking you to hunt _one_ fish, not a hundred. It'll be over within two minutes."

"Bella, you know I _would_ catch a hundred fish for you if you wanted _but_ only if we were _alone_," Edward informed me seriously, stressing the word and anxiously glancing behind me to where the rest of the Cullens were making their way to the river. "Why in front of everyone else?"

I bit back a laugh at his discomfort. "Alice had already seen a vision of our particular conversation last year before the wedding. She told Jasper who told Emmett who told Rose – basically _everybody _knows. And they were looking forward to watching you hunt." _Looking forward_ was an understatement, I giggled to myself. "So when the opportunity arose with this bet, how could I deny them? You know I can't say 'no' to anybody." I teased.

"Out of all the human memories," Edward muttered in defeat, unbuttoning his shirt and dropping it into the snow below. The remnants of the December snow still stuck to the ground, but it was definitely melting. "_this_ is what you chose to remember?"

I shrugged lightly, unconcerned by his irritation. It wasn't even that. He was just trying to preserve his dignity by sounding annoyed. Besides, later when we would be _alone _in our cottage, I would make it up to him and drive the horrible, embarrassing memory from his mind.

Maybe.

_Or _I would do the complete opposite. If I wasn't too busy choking on my lingering laughter, I would put my ability to good use. Now that we had discovered that I could push my shield _away _from myself, Edward had the advantage to read my thoughts whenever I did so. If I kept replaying the memory – that _one_ snapshot of him as he rose above the water level, his entire face and hair drenched, with a fish lolling from his mouth – to him, he'd be _begging _me to keep my shield to myself.

Like I said, photographic memory was a _very_ good thing.

Either way, I was really looking forward to tonight, no matter what the outcome. My shoulder devil rubbed her hands together gleefully.

By now, everyone else had arrived at the riverbank, sporting extremely wide grins.

Emmett was literally bouncing in anticipation, an eager smirk on his face. "You want to take off your pants, too, Edward?" He suggested, feigning concern and eyeing Edward's now bare chest. "Wouldn't want you to be uncomfortable underwater with all those clothes on."

"Here," Alice tossed Edward some piece of clothing with a grin. "A late Christmas present."

Edward's glare which had been directed at Emmett now morphed into a confused frown as he examined the piece of clothing. His eyes grew dark and murderously angry as he held up a pair of –

"Swimming trunks?" Edward barked. "What the hell, Alice?"

Taking just one look at the swimwear, Jasper and I burst into laughter, having to lean onto each other for a support that wasn't really required. I didn't need to be an expert in fashion to know that they were absolutely hideous. Alice had purposely selected a freakishly bright pair of scarlet swimming trunks that was decorated with at least thirty little cartoon fish swimming around.

I was _so _proud to have Alice as a sister. She was a genius.

Alice's expression was a perfect mix of innocence and confusion. "What? I went shopping especially for you. I thought it would fit the _mood_. Use it well."

"Use it well?" Edward gave her a dirty look before effortlessly ripping the fabric into ten pieces. He clenched the tattered cloths into his hands before hurling them into the river. "There. Happy now?"

Alice put her hands on her hips, frowning at him. I knew she was going to make a comment about how such waste wasn't good for the marine ecosystem.

"You owe me a hundred dollars, loser."

Oh well. I still had eternity to fully understand the miracle that was my sister.

"Jump in already!" Emmett demanded impatiently. "Jasper and I didn't abandon our brilliant chess game to ogle at your half nakedness."

_I_ was definitely ogling his half nakedness, but that admiration was in the back of my mind. There were more pressing and important matters.

"I'll never forgive you for this, Bella," Edward muttered.

Not hurt by his words, I puckered my lips and kissed the air in his direction. "Love you, too, Edward. Now _get_ in! Or the fish will swim away."

"Wouldn't want that," Edward said under his breath, taking an unnecessary breath.

And then he was gone.

The rest of us fell quiet as we observed him swimming deep under the water level. I was thankful I had a vampire's vision now. Had I been human, there was no way I would've been able to see him under the dark currents. There were several fish in the water, but they were all too tiny.

Heaven forbid Edward _swallowed_ a fish.

Edward continued to dart back and forth in search, while we marched alongside him on the riverbank, matching his position. He, of course, didn't need to come up for air, but I was getting impatient; I wished he would just catch one already. I needed him to prove that the image in my mind of him hunting like a bear didn't give enough justice to the real deal.

After exactly one minute and eight seconds, he raced low to the ground and struggled with a dark grey fish without using his hands. I wondered how Edward would manage to catch the fish without letting any water down his throat, but a second later, he emerged, sending water splashing through the air.

When I'd imagined Edward hunting fish last year, I'd seen the fish _dead_ and limp in his mouth. However, the grey fish that was currently clamped in Edward's mouth was the exact opposite of dead and limp.

"It's having seizures," Alice cracked up, basically two seconds from rolling around in the snow.

It was, indeed, flopping, writhing and flipping so hard in the confined space between Edward's teeth that it was impossible to see Edward's face because of it. The fish tail was slapping against Edward's right cheek and ear while the small head continuously beat against the other side of Edward's face.

There was no doubt.

The real image of my beautiful and pissed off, half–naked, drenched, bear–like and fish–hunting vampire husband was a _hundred times_ better and funnier that my imagination.

It wasn't too big, probably the size of the average salmon. The fish had medium sized barbels that resembled whiskers. I instantly recognized it as a catfish, and a young one apparently, judging by its size and shape.

As I continued to stare, giggling all the while, I felt a prickle of confusion. How could it be still alive? The fish was clearly above of the water and out of oxygen! And aside from that, Edward's venom–coated and razor sharp teeth should have sliced the fish within a second.

Edward wasn't using his teeth, I realized, focusing my gaze on Edward's mouth. He was simply pressing his lips on either side of the tiny fish's body.

"Good catch, man," Jasper approved, looking like he was having seizures himself with all the shaking from his laughter. "Catfish. Stick with the felines."

I'd never thought about it that way. While werewolves were _literally _canines, vampires certainly did possess a bit of a feline quality. Edward's choice of fish was definitely coincidental.

"Hey, Edward," Emmett called. "Wanna hear a joke, bro? What do vampires and catfish have in common?"

Edward didn't respond. He was motionless, arms limp at his sides, and staring straight ahead, void of any emotion, despite the fish still flopping energetically around in his face. I knew he was irritated. But he looked so hilarious. How could he not find this funny?

"Fangs!" Emmett cried out, unable to control his raucous laughter.

There was dead silence for one second before the rest of us, Esme and Carlisle included, simultaneously burst into laughter.

Over the fish's body, Edward's eyes narrowed in Emmett's direction before wrenching the flopping creature out of his mouth and holding it by his left side.

"Mark my words, Emmett," Edward snarled, but he was apparently too angry to proceed with his threat.

I glanced sideways at Jasper who was staring at Edward with a small grin on his face. I realized that he was sending waves of extra anger towards my husband. I wondered how long it would take before Edward completely cracked at the fury.

Uncharacteristically stomping out of the water, Edward yanked his shirt, which had become damp because of the melted snow on it, over his head. He didn't even bother to button–up. His bronze hair was flat across his forehead and drops of water clung to the tips. And his scowl was so adorable. I was _so_ glad I had photographic memory, and not just for the hilarious stunt he just pulled in the water.

"Oh, don't throw it back in the water, Edward," Esme said suddenly, holding her hand out.

Edward raised an eyebrow, his left hand paused in mid–air over the river.

"What the point of sending it back into the water?" Esme asked, looking mournful. "It's already dead."

The fish had, indeed, finally gone limp in Edward's hand. Either it had finally ran out of oxygen, or Edward's clenched fists around it had effectively suffocated the poor creature.

Probably a combination of both, I figured.

"Then. _What_. Do. You. Propose. I. _Do_. With. It?" Edward demanded slowly, through gritted teeth.

Esme was 'oblivious' to Edward's aggravation. "I can use your nice _catch_ for cooking Jacob's and Seth's dinner tonight. In fact, I don't think one fish will suffice. Those boys' appetites never end. Actually," Her face brightened up as if she'd just got a brilliant idea. "Do you mind diving in for some more?"

Edward's eyes widened in utter shock and dare I say . . . fear? "Excuse me?"

_I _was stunned. My mouth dropped open for a few seconds before the giggles overtook me. Beside me, the others had also exploded in laughter, but I was too busy clutching my stomach look at them.

"Good one, Mom," Emmett cheered, doubling over in boisterous chuckles.

I was hardly able to believe that _Esme_ would be teasing her son like this. Normally, she and Carlisle were the ones to pacify the situations or defend the weak person being picked on. Namely me, in my human years.

Speaking of Carlisle ...

My father–in–law pressed his lips together, hiding a smirk. He wrapped an arm around Esme's shoulders, looking down at her in fake curiosity. "Exactly how many fish do you think are sufficient for the boys, dear?"

Esme bit back a laugh, glancing up thoughtfully at her husband and ignoring Edward's growing fury. My husband was practically vibrating as he glowered at his parents. "Nine or ten? Leah never likes to stay for meals, but I wonder if I can her convince to come around, too. In that case, perhaps five more?"

"Well," Carlisle pondered. "Fish seems to be the topic of the day. And they are _incredibly_ nutritious with their Omega–3 Fatty Acids and various other vitamins. It wouldn't hurt to feed Nessie some healthy human food once in a while. She might even prefer it to blood."

"Alright. Let's calculate that . . . _Twenty_ fish, Edward?" Esme tilted her head to the side, feigning concern. "Is that too much for you?"

"If it is, we could always get Bella's father to help you," Rosalie piped up cheerfully and Edward's glare flickered over to her. "You two could become fishing buddies."

I snickered. "You know, Edward, Charlie's always complaining that he's never able to catch enough fish. Do him a little favor and go underwater . . . maybe toss some fish towards his fishing line."

Emmett strolled over to my poor, drenched Edward and thumped him on the back; Edward angrily shook him off. Emmett's face was a mask of seriousness as he laid a hand on Edward's shoulder. "Help a man out, Edward, and Charlie will be eternally grateful to you. And then perhaps he'll tolerate you more for marrying his daughter."

"The only _tolerance_ that is relevant to this particular situation," Edward growled, flinging the dead fish into Esme's outstretched hands. ". . . is _my_ tolerance of all of _you _and your merciless comments. My little performance is now _over_, so if we could please head back to the house –"

"Hey," Alice protested, holding her palms out. "I demand an encore."

"Shut up!" Edward finally yelled, stunning us into silence. Edward was too gentlemanly and old schooled to use such phrases, even something so simple like "shut up". It was as entertaining as it was shocking to hear. "_THERE IS NO ENCORE_! I FULFILLED THE TERMS OF LOSING THE BET AND NOW WE ARE OVER WITH THIS, ALRIGHT? FOR THOSE OF YOU INTERESTED, JUST CATCH THE GODDAMN FISH YOURSELF . . . GOOD. BYE."

He stalked past us in the direction of the house, furiously shaking his head like a dog to dry his hair. We trailed after him at a much more leisure pace, but it was impossible to move too much because we were all in complete hysterics.

"He's finally cracked," Rosalie whispered not–so–subtly to the rest of us.

"What happens if Nessie asks where the fish comes from?" Emmett asked Jasper, but it was clear that they were still taunting Edward because he was still in hearing range.

Nessie was currently at La Push with Jacob and the entire werewolf gang along with the other imprints. We were also allowed to step on their land from now on, but for tonight, we'd let Nessie have her fun without us. Now that the Volturi threat was over, things were so much more peaceful.

"Do me a favor and block Em's and Jazz's minds for a quick second, okay?" Alice muttered quietly from the corner of her mouth without taking her amused gaze from Edward's retreating form. Her lips were curved up in an unconcealed smirk.

I was confused by her request, but nevertheless, I nodded and raised my shield, blocking my brothers' thoughts from my husband.

Jasper sighed dramatically, placing a hand on his heart and looking forlornly at the snow. "I don't want to have to say this . . . but we'll just have to tell her the truth."

"Renesmee will _not_ be informed of anything that took place today!" Edward hollered, without glancing back.

"But she's bound to ask about our day," Jasper argued. "And you know I can't lie to my favorite niece."

"Then I will_ make sure_ that you both don't open your mouths in front of her." Edward threatened.

"Oh, you don't have to worry about _that_," Emmett assured him, his face nearly about to burst with glee. "If you insist, we promise we won't _tell _her."

Jasper's smile was smug as he swiftly pocketed something I hadn't been able to catch sight of.

"She'll see for herself instead. We got your entire _little performance _on video for her."

* * *

**AN: **Poor Edward, huh?

At first, I thought I could use Edward and Bella's honeymoon as the fish–hunting scene, since Isle Esme is surrounded by water and they often went snorkeling, etc, but then, of course, the Cullens wouldn't have got to see it. And it was less amusing without the rest of the family present.

I tried to keep the so–called swearing to a minimum, since I was trying to stay Canon and Edward doesn't swear. He says "Damn" once or twice in the book, I _think_, so I suppose "Goddamn" isn't too foul for his traditional and polite mouth.

Anyway, that's it! I won't be continuing this, but I hope you laughed! Cheers!


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